LauraLikey’s blog

Voila!!!

 

Like it?

 

Well, if you don't too fucking bad! bahhaha. Like how I only have Kristen's eyes in the banner? The rest of her is purposely left out. Taylor's muscley shoulder is the prime focus - as it is in my dreams. Well, not just his left shoulder, that would be weird. Even weird for me, and that says a lot. I talk to my cats. They talk back too. THEY DO!!!

 

Don't diss the cats, you'll lose that battle. Notice Pheobe taking her rightful place in the top left corner of this blog. She's watching you - watch yourself.

 

So was surfing around on the world wide web today during my enormous amounts of spare time. Instead of reading up on politics or scientific breakthroughs, I found myself looking at random twilight pics that didn't quite make the cut. Predictable? Me? No way. So ...um....I don't go around looking at a lot of pics of these people really, just the stuff that makes headlines. I don't like to tease myself too much by fantasizing about Rob - it's not healthy. I have premature aging, my non-existant love life and my cottage cheese ass to worry about. I know! How do I survive?? Anyways, found this pic and I looked at it for several minutes.....stared......I still can't understand it.

 

Probably the worst twilight pic I've ever seen......thoughts?

 

Kristen looks like Cathrine Zeta Jones and that's not a good thing. She's married to a corpse. Rob looks rather fruity as well. That hair is not his. Wigs don't suit him - let's hope this is not a glimpse into the future for him. Bald does not suit him unless we're talking manscaping. Speaking of - look how she's holding that apple. I hope she doesn't hold Rob's balls like that. Fuck, I hope they're not that big! Bahha! Nothing worse than gigantic horse balls. Hate that. The swing back and forth like a pendulum and hit your face on the way back. Don't ask me how I know. Had a guy like that once and I called him Clip Clop. Never to his face, of course.

 

Oh, good 'ol Clip Clop.....wonder what he's up to these days.

 

So I came across this pic as well during my search. What the fuck are people thinking??? This proves the stupidity of people these days - or twilight fans. I can say it cuz I am one. I'm allowed to judge your retarded asses because of this fact. Just like I'm allowed to call any fat person fat. I can do so because I myself used to be a whale. Harpooning is now a sport I am allowed to participate in. You, however are not.

You think this pic is somehow amusing??? It disgusts me thoroughly. Again, very hard to do. See Clip Clop reference above and add on post-jogging sweat and a need for a trim. There ya go......hope you haven't just had lunch. I'm nice like that.

 

If you're going to do it....DO IT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Some pics have surfaced of Taylor Lautner without a shirt on. Of course he's wet too. It's like he's always wet - just chronically soaked, walking around dripping and causing janitors everywhere to go crazy from running out of those Slippery when wet signs. That slogan pretty much sums up the entire Twilight community.

 

Yup, let that thought sink in.

 

Imagine it

 

Be disgusted by it.

 

There ya go! Now we're on the same page here.

 

These next few images will probably increase the pedophilia rate in women by, I dunno....20%? I should make a wager on it really. Tanning rates will go up so women will look better in orange. It'll be a whole new trend, like cougarism. The 2 are different, make sure you know the differences. Cougarism involves consent. Licking Taylor Lautner does not. Just cuz he does it in the movie as a wolf does not mean that he wants you to do it. Oh, but Taylor...what a cute doggie! I just want to pet you!..........crap.....it's like in the movie..........

 

I see these pics and I feel strange......I.......I have to go............

 

See! Look what I almost did! I need to be locked up. Next I'll be crashing their parties and cramming in on their movie sets and waiting for them at tv show appearances. HAHHAHAHA Oh wait...I already do that. My bad.

 

Rob loves me....we all know that Kellan does. It's just a bit of time before Taylor falls for my charms as well. Just think of the fun we could have.......movies....dinners.....orgies.....whathaveyou......

 

And again I'll point out for all you dumbasses out there - I am not serious about any of this - it's just satirical humour. To dumb it down even more - it's fake, I don't mean it, I'm not crazy, it's just a damn joke, get over yourselves.

 

Oh, Puppy!!!!!!! Oh, we'll go for a w-a-l-k, just cuz you're such a good boy! :)

                                     I'M BACK!!!

 

To the 2 of you that actually noticed. I'm sorry for not blogging whilst I was away, but there was so much to do and so little time. By the time we got back to the hotel at night I was too tuckered out to maneuver my fingers. Haha now I know how my ex-bf felt after work. Zing!

 

New Yooooorrkkk!! ....that's the only line of the song that I know haha or I would recite the rest, or at least a verse. Twas good to me, yes, you were. I learned that I want to live on 5th Avenue and that horseshoes have rented out my ass. Not as uncomfortable as you might think. I'll list the basics that went on in between the predictable sight-seeing. They will be discussed in the order presented below, which coincidentily is the chronicological order as well.

 

* Robert Pattinson isn't that hard to find - but hard to keep close

* I missed my chance to throw KStew off a bridge! So close...

* Taylor Lautner is in fact really F**king young

* Jimmy Fallon is as delicious as boxed wine to an alcoholic housewife in denial

* Shia LeBoeuf needs to stop spitting like a damn camel

 

Numero Uno: Robert Pattinson

 

So we dragged our asses out of bed to head down to the Today Show. There was a huge square of fans already formed so we decided to grab a spot closer to the studio rather than the spot we chose first, towards the back. Oh, what a bad idea indeed! He arrived, girls screamed, he started doing rounds of the square - where we were first! He finished half the square, then disappeared into the blackness of the studio. The girls that waited the longest were left forlorn and empty. He had not known about their dedication, he had not known about their passion. I snuck up to him while he was on his melancholic journey of the "other half" but only took a few pics, convinced that he would pass by me as well, providing me with the chance to interact with the one we had travelled so far to see. Oh, Robert how could you.

This pic I did get though and fuck ya it's great!

While in Greenwich village later that evening, we unknowingly stumbed upon a quaint theatre decorated with New Moon posters. Of course we stopped to share a moment of gawking and wishful thinking. Then, the copious amounts of security and the presence of a rouge-coloured flooring tipped me off. Fuck off they're having a premiere here! After questioning a few bystanders, I was proven right. We grabbed a spot in the designated fan area (of course out of the way where no star could see us and no star fucking acknowledged us) to await their arrival. Just when all hope was lost, a darling young puppy came out to play. All I could think was "why are you my height? That doesn't work for me, altho 69'ing you would be easier that way." Then his age hit me like a brick wall and I removed those heavenly....impure thoughts from my mind.

Here is a video of the event - I love the part where he stares at me with utter lust and intensity. You'll know what part I'm talking about...oh, you will. Spine-tingling.

Then the most mind-blowing event came about. The gremlin survived the rain!!! How could this be?????? I thought for sure she'd be a goner. It was in fact raining during our star encounters. She spent a lot of time with the fans - unexpectedly. I didn't care too much to see her, but twas nice of her regardless. For that I applaud her. What the fuck though, the Brooklyn Bridge was right there!! I had the thing surveyed for the proper height and distance and everything! ........stupid......no comments here, I'm still pissed. I do have video of this as well, like anyone cares. I'm not even posting the pics. Stupid. Instead you get this pic - Edward proposing to me instead of Bella - the way it should be.

 

Ok, fine, you convinced me....here's kristen -

 

 

Then finally, the man of the hour arrived. I came, Melisa came, and the world was at peace for that one beautiful moment. His flowing mane blew in the wind, he was unaccompanied by the gremlin, he was way taller than me, and he is old enough to screw. If it were Christmas I'd blow santa personally to thank him.

The following day, after we showered and changed our panties we decided to take a gander a Jimmy Fallon. We had actually tried 2 other times to get standby tickets for his show but slept through one of them and didn't make the cut for the second. We were determined to get in this time.....determined damn it. Jimmy saw the sexytimes going through my mind all day and worked his magic to get us tickets - I know it. He looked at me in the audience too. Although my distance vision is complete shit, I sensed it to be true. He mentioned New Moon in his monologue and I thought Melissa was going to blow the roof off the joint. Her scream was the first to be heard. That shit got on tape. So did our fine asses. Too bad no one stayed up to fucking watch it - damn ingrates. You should pay attention to us ! We'll be famous one day I will not think twice about it to kick your asses to the curb! Bahha. Oh Jimmy, you ran through the audience at the end of the show and totally went over us but it's ok. Our intimate thoughts will bond us forever my love.

Youtube the episode with Joseph Gordon-Levitt when they play with laser guns. We're in the top right audience section, 2nd last row right on the aisle. LOOK IT UP DAMN IT!

Later that evening we decided to take a stroll down to ground zero. Not much to look at in the financial district of Tribeca. We came upon some movie set pylons and followed the row of trailers to a small street consumed by crew and really bright lights. No fans in sight, just a crew. We stopped and watched. Didn't see anything for awhile until Melissa nudged me and went "wtf is that Shia LeBoeuf??" Again, distance vision is the shit. My camera zoom is not though. It was in fact him. We grabbed a seat and enjoyed the show. No one kicked us off set, no one was mean to us. We had front row center and a smile across our faces. Shia saw me with the camera attached to my face and watched us while he smoked one of his many cigarettes. The bastard didn't break his concentration to come over to us - he was working, it's ok. We watched them film one scene time and time and time again. Yes I taped every time. Of fucking course! It's not every day you have Louis Stevens performing just for you! So delectable, so good. Not as good as my love Rob. But who is really??? Fuck man, Santa just texted me and asked for a double header.

Finally saw New Moon last night and I fell in love with Taylor Lautner - kinda sorta, but still love Rob more. Maybe definitely it's just the abs. He has like 35 of them. MMMM....oh, puppy!

 

 

You know what grinds my gears to the max? Like the severe limit? When people steal my jokes. That or when they make them so damn blatantly obvious that there is no room for my well-timed punchline. If I had balls, that would be the worst kick to them - like someone using pointy shoes when I'm super horny. It's just not right, I tell you. I blame the horses of the world. Ya..you oats and hay-eating bastards! You don't even clean up your own shit! F**k you, horses.......f**k you all.

 

Twilighters have been globe-trekking lately to promote New Moon. I've been at home doing nothing. When times like these arise I tend to clean. Vacuuming, dusting, getting the pesky pet fur off the couch, and doing the dishes. Funny though, I've lost my dishrag and my steel wool. The pan I cooked my lasagna in will have to soak for a week now! Shit. But...just when I thought all hope was lost, YUREKA! I FOUND THEM!

When Rob snuck into my bedroom last night he must have taken them with him. Hotels don't supply things like that, you know, and the boy has to clean up somehow. All these late night jaunts are really taking a toll on both me and him though. I mean, flying across the pond for me all the time has got to be tiring.....gawd knows vacuuming is. Shag carpet is a bitch! I need a vacation - somewhere tropical perhaps. I could go tanning and maybe even learn how to scuba-dive. I hear that Taylor is in the diving business now, aren't you Taylor?

 

Kristen did look way better in whatever European country that pic was taken in. I don't even know - I'm not keeping track. Her stylist still needs a blow to the head though. Rainbow Brite to dishrag to a night out at the rippers? I do like the rippers dress though, but how can people praise her dress choices??? Oh right, kissing ass to get to Rob. You should be kissing my ass though! Hahaha don't my delusional quirks aimed at your entertainment amuse you? They amuse me. It's sad really. In those super depressing moments where you can't tell if your vision is blurry due to the boozing or the flooding of your tears, I go to my own jokes. They're that good.

 

Speaking of good - Kellan was on MuchMusic yesterday. On my turf, but I had no desire to be in the company of screaming infants. My ear drums are getting old and they ring easily. I despise that crap. I refuse to wait inside or outside or on a couch being fanned by male models feeding me red seedless grapes for any man. Nice description there, eh? I've learned my lesson. I wait for no man, no matter how good he gets his style. His stylist should be given a raise. Only thing I can complain about is his overuse of the scarf. Can look gay sometimes. I do commend his grip on his microphone though, c'est tres magnifique! Reminds me of something, I can't quite think of it......

 

HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I guess I can get my vibrator out again..........too far? hahhaha

 

TNT has officially picked up Southland and will start airing it January 13, 2010. I can't even tape it cuz wtf is this channel??????? There are 1039483920100348 reasons why American's suck, but they got me on this one.

 

Oh, oh,  oh and get this - Ben went as Jay Leno on Hallowe'en cuz he's the one that made him lose his job.

 

OH SNAP!!! BAHAHHAHAHAHA!! ME LIKEY! ME LOVES!

 

He's a bastard at heart! I fucking love you Ben McKenzie, I fucking love you.

 

The rumours and celebrity gossip sites have been running rampid today - omfg Rob and Kristen were caught holding hands at the airport going from Paris to London!

 

You can't fool me my pretties.....

 

There could be endless reasons why she was grabbing his wrist. The pics that came before and after the one I have chosen to deface show him holding his HAT in that hand. She could be holding on cuz she's in heels and they're walking quickly, or just a friendly jaunt. Who knows, who cares??!! Until I hear it from the horses mouth I will not believe it -  and no, I do not mean Demi Lovato, I don't think they're friends. Gremlins nor dwarfs date humans and he can do so much better. As stated earlier, water kills gremlins and I've seen a copious amount of pics of Rob drinking Fiji water. See - it can't be true. I've cracked the case. Sure being cooped up in your hotel may make his choices limited....but he can still choose from the endless amounts of other famewhores in LA or London.

 

On another note......at the London premiere of New Moon tonight....or last night there...whatever.....they wore these outfits. I totally didn't know that Rainbow Brite was in the movie!!!??!! It's 1987 again??? FUCK YA! I'm young again!! A little too young mind you, but I get to relive my youth. For those of you who don't know who Rainbow Brite is I have included a pic of her - and i suggest you youtube that shiz. High quality television - even better if you're stoned.

 

Britney's down under (teehee) right now doing a series of shows for her Circus tour. I saw her last year and looooooved it! Aussieland is not impressed. They probably wanna sick their killer koalas on her. Not necessary, really. Australians need to receive a little pop culture lesson from yours truly. Lucky you, you get to come along for the ride!! Let me begin...

 

- she's lip-synced since the beginning of her career in 1998! She only sounds good with a synthesizer!

ACCEPT IT!!

You know those people you see sometimes in the neighbourhood ghetto mall that have to put a box to their throats to talk. They're pretty cool- they sound like robots. Who hasn't ever wanted a robot. That's what smoking does to you, kids. Learn. Anyways....if that ever happened to Britney she would sound just like her cds when she talked....hey, I think I'm on to something here. She'd be like a walking melody! People would skip to the beat whenever they were around her! It would be like a real-life Disney movie.

Smoke away, Britney.....Smoke away. I just created your retirement fund.

She's loverly - just loverly. Aside from her bodacious bossom that I would gladly pay large sums for, that girl has an ass I only dream of!!

ADMIRE IT!!

C'mon the girl does crazy well. She definitely gives you your money's worth. I went to the show with the hopes that she would crack on stage. The odds were there!! It could/will happen! Even with the crazy and the fact that KFat has been inside her (shivers) I still consider her the one and only woman on the planet I'd bat for the other team for. Yup. I said it. And without liquor.....well, maybe a little.

Just wanted to post some pics of the fabulous birthday cakes that I have so graciously received during the last week or so. The first one is ice cream and was ooooooooooh so good after a drunken night of shenanigans. Not so good in the toilet about 15 minutes later. The second is just pure glorious in all dimensions. The only thing better than this flour and sugar masterpiece would be suffocating kstew in it ( I kid I kid). No, I take that back. Licking it off of RPatz would be exponentially better. I can't even fathom the delight........

 

We're going to NYC.

 

I will be blogging live from the city, depending on how ghetto the hotel is. Not too ghetto I hope. I can't deal with hookers - lucite heels hurt. We leave in less than 2 weeks. The Brooklyn bridge looks like it's got a good enough height to drop KStew off of, right? Hmmmm....I kid I kid!